01.16.08
Posted in *, 2003, Drama, Netherlands at 2:08 pm by Bernard Cording
My Cat, the Alarm Clock – *
A watched door always opens
2003, Netherlands, Black & White, 479 minutes
Directed by Gevelt Ibn Rand. Written by Sandy Schipol, William Ibn Rand
Starring Jahns Schnier, Charli the Cat
Jahns lives alone, except for his cat which he has inherited with the apartment. Every day is much like the other, the cat wakes him up with the presumptive cough or a bout of escalating meows, then another day begins. Does he go to a job? To a café? To see the latest Hollywood film? We never find out, instead we, like the cat must watch the door, waiting for his return. The background tension of the film gradually rises as it becomes slowly apparent that resolution will never be given, which is no doubt designed to engender in the audience a soul crushing empathy with the cat.
When Jahns is at home he fills his leisure time with a variety of mundane activities. Day one sees the bathroom and his morning ritual in all its glory. Will that stained mirror be cleaned? Does he find the toothpaste? Day two a DVD is watched. The audience can’t quite make out what is happening, not unless they can understand what sounds suspiciously like the language Pingu speaks. Day three somebody calls but Jahns refrains from answering as he is engrossed in his book and, besides, the cat has gone to sleep on the handset. Day four is the highlight as the cat has decided to furiously chase its tail while Jahns tries to paint his Warhammer models. Eventually he gives in and just enjoys the spectacle.
Why was this film made? We believe to torture the Art House film audience and to punish the various Film Festivals for an unexplained slight. There is no other way to explain what is an exquisite exercise in torture.
Memorable moment – when the Cat investigates exiting via the cat flap, only to be cruelly punished by the postman’s unexpected parcel deposit.
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01.15.08
Posted in *** 1/2, 1986, Horror, West Germany at 2:06 pm by Bernard Cording
The Green Plant - ***1/2
Filthy little plant, take that!
1986, West Germany, Black & White, 97 minutess
Directed by Herrick Schmidt. Written by Gus Kleinberg
Starring David Meinerton
Kreddy just turned 19 and received his summons for military services, but fearing the harsh life of a German soldier he hides in deserted woodlands not far from the border with East Germany. Then, things start to happen that make the 5 AM ice baths more attractive. If it was just the strange sounds and poisoned meat then I am sure Kreddy could have coped, but when the cruel taunting started, and, well, that just pushed him over the top. People do not always need blood or gore to get the adrenaline pumping, not when a finely turned phrase can get the same result.
Educational lesson - The best horror films often use totally original plot or stories, then are mercilessly copied until you begin to hate the original film even though it was genuinely good.
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01.14.08
Posted in *, 1954, Culture Clash, Musical, Religion, Romance, USA at 2:04 pm by Bernard Cording
The Goode Life - *
It’s the destination, some just need a map
1954, USA, Colour, 94 minutes
Written and directed by Emmit Freeman
Starring James Smith, Wendy Smith, Fred Bliggerly
Jack Goode is a God-fearing church-going man. His wife and six daughters are visions of Baptist Chastity. They live in a sunny suburb of Kansas City and have no flaws. One summer day a biker gang rides into town armed with switchblades and rock ‘n’ roll music. The sheriff is about to arrest them for mass loitering when Jack Goode intervenes, offering to show them the Goode Life. Culture clash banality ensues, but eventually all the bikers accept Jesus, marry the Goode Daughters, and work in Jack Goode’s hardware store.
Watch out for – the musical number at the lake, the first and only time fifty five motorbikes have simultaneously leaped off a pier and formed the word “Jesus”.
Quote – Crippler Calahan: “This Jesus cat, he was like the original rock ‘n’ roller.” Jack Goode: “No he wasn’t.”
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01.13.08
Posted in ***, 1976, Art, Drama, France at 2:01 pm by Bernard Cording
The Glass Doctor – ***
Sometimes, glass too must die
1976, France, Colour, 116 minutes
Written and directed by Alain Schmidt
Starring Michel Revel, Lanque Freschlie, Dorna Emil
A quiet meditation on fragility and loss as experienced by widower Robert Jacquet, the curator of glassware at the Louvre and restorer of precious glass art for wealthy clients. While repairing a deceased enthusiast’s collection for auction, he reflects on where his life went wrong and how glass is similar to that process. The film is a masterfully written, sensitive, insightful work of art. We hated every torturous moment, but feel obliged to give it a decent mark.
Watch out for – all the big names in French Glass Art are in the gallery scene.
Quote – “The slightest crack, through time, becomes a fatal flaw.”
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01.12.08
Posted in ** 1/2, 1987, Drama, France at 1:58 pm by Bernard Cording
Give It Up, Reeves - **1/2
Die, you damn dream
1987, France, Colour, 128 minutes
Directed by Pierre St. Jacque. Written by Thierry Theire
Starring Joque Shalee, Brigittia Graxuax, Siuer Pooeiredz
Have you ever had a dream that you should give up on? Reeves has thirteen. Ironically, if he just gave up one, the other twelve would fall in line. But which dream should die? Patting every kitten in the world, or breeding the world’s first chocolate cherry? Each project has entrenched interest groups behind it which complicates (and slows down) matters. Add in Reeves’ own enthusiastic indecisiveness and you have the film comedy equivalent of Nancy Kerrigan getting her knee smashed with a crowbar. There are endless cafe discussions about dreams and marital infidelity which prove that some high concept films are best made in America.
Watch out for – the five minute scene of a coffee being made, overlain with overblown narration by Reeves.
Quote – ”If dreams are shackles, what are shackles? Dreams? Does a metaphor replace the compared with the comparee? Does a kitten pat being like love, make love a kitten pat and love something else yet? Hate, maybe?”
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01.11.08
Posted in ***, 1983, Comedy, Hong Kong, Martial Arts at 1:56 pm by Bernard Cording
Funny Fist - ***
The lighter side of violence
1983, Hong Kong, Colour, 90 minutes
Directed by Leonardos Ho. No writer credited.
Starring Jackie Lee, Ron Goldman, Kwok Van Heller, Jonh Lee Rocker
Painfully funny kung fu farce starring Jackie Lee, the scandalously neglected heir to the thrones of Brute Lee, Jocky Chan, Jackie Pan, and Bruce Eel. Lee stars as Jackie, the only remaining student of a kung fu school that teaches the Funny Fist: a technique of unrivaled power in bringing laughter to one’s enemies and peace to children and old women. But his dubious martial background makes him unwanted by the kung fu fighting adventurers he hopes to explore the world with, so he toils away in his home village violently entertaining children. When Dutch marauders hit town while all the other warriors are away questing, it gives him the chance to prove himself. Cue a heady stream of Dutch puns, fart jokes, pratfalls, a brilliant “Tulip Fever” marketplace routine, and the greatest unicycle fight scene in history. However… Sterm, the leader of the Dutch villains, is known as The Man Who Never Laughs. Can Jackie break him?
Watch out for – the classic closing freeze frame on a grinning Sterm.
Quote – “I want an encore even though it means getting hit again.”
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01.10.08
Posted in * 1/2, 1977, Crime, UK at 1:53 pm by Bernard Cording
The Giant Sissy - *1/2
Use it or lose it
1977, UK, Black & White, 89 minutes
Written and directed by Lucious G. Cutts
Starring Manoff, Bob Snider, John Jones, David Brown
Half-baked crime caper about an excessively beefy Liverpudlian who becomes the object of a recruitment war between 14 rival street gangs, none of whom seem to realise that he’s so completely averse to physical violence (or physical labour) that he’d be completely useless as a Goon. Nevertheless, each gang threatens the others with wild boasts of what the Giant Sissy will do to them once he’s joined them (”He’ll block out the sun and make your bones go all bendy”, “He’ll use your face like a piece of chalk”, etc.) It’s mildly amusing, but about the midpoint it becomes too unbelievable. Would they really believe that he could lift up a corner of Buckingham Palace or suck all the air out of London? Would every gangster in Liverpool be hit by a bullet ricochet in the final showdown? The answer in the film is a tiresome “yes”.
Watch out for – The Giant Sissy dressing his cat up in bow tie, top hat, and tails.
Quote – “Mr. Mittens, I declare you the most dapper chapper in Liverpool.”
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01.09.08
Posted in ***, 1984, Documentary, Ghosts, USA at 1:49 pm by Bernard Cording
Ghosts of Greater Boise - ***
Exclusive to VHS
1984, USA, Colour, 63 minutes
No writer or director credited
The ghosts of the metropolitan Boise area were well chronicled in the smash documentary Spirits of Boise. To cash in on that hit, a fly-by-night video production company made this disturbing knock off, focusing on the ghost of Boise’s surrounding areas. While everyone thought that Spirits of Boise was a bit of a lark, this film puts the grimy willies into anyone foolish enough to watch it. The grainy video, amateur narration, and copious amounts of real ghosts are enough to make even the strongest man long for an episode of The Golden Girls. The origins of the tape are hotly debated; the most popular theory is that Spirit of Boise’s producers commissioned it as an expensive prank during their cocaine-fueled post-success period. We’re not convinced of that.
Watch out for – what happens when they turn the lights off in the Pressford farm’s barn.
Quote – “Oh God….oh God…..oh God….”
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01.08.08
Posted in Comedy, Musical, Romance, Sports, USA at 1:47 pm by Bernard Cording
Fricasee Fricasoo - *1/2
Takes mad cap to crazy new levels
1964, USA, Colour, 95 minutes
Directed by Herman Taerk. Written by Zach Perfing
Starring Teddy Lazarge, Mindy Santara, Amir Rafik Hazaza, Binky Busby
A staggeringly inane, Monaco-based, frantic rock ‘n roll musical starring teen singing stars Teddy Lazarge and Mindy Santara as two sets of separated-at-birth romantically-involved identical twins. One couple are European Royalty about to be joined in marriage, the other is a driver/mechanic couple entering the Monaco Grand Prix. There are endless romantic misunderstandings, the old Marx Brothers mirror routine gets stolen, and the driver gambles more money than he has and is forced by an Arabian Sheik to win the grueling Challenge of the Desert or hand over his car. Third rate songs, fourth rate jokes, nice costumes.
Watch out for – the Vegas wedding chapel mirage musical number.
Quote – “If we don’t find someone to marry us soon, our twins will get married and we’ll be brother and sister.”
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01.07.08
Posted in ****, 1923, Drama, Equids and Bovids, Family, UK, War at 1:43 pm by Bernard Cording
The Fisherman’s Horse - ****
Are you the Fisherman’s Horse?
1923, UK, Black & White, 97 minutes
Written and directed by Baderick Drewer & Enson Pullingwell
Starring Nathaniel Crane, Emily Horfer, Sir Dudley Banksford
This beautiful fable about Lightning, the horse of a brave WWI British soldier, is a tragically neglected treasure. Before the war, Lightning waits on the docks every day while his owner fishes. But one day his owner leaves on a much larger boat. Alone, with his master on the Front Line, Lightning is stolen and mistreated by Lord Snively. He escapes into a dream world where he is reconciled with his beloved master and they ride around a magical forest. But one day the dreams turn dark and Lightning knows that his owner is in danger. After swimming the English Channel, Lightning wanders the Front Line, eventually saving his master but dying tragically of exhaustion and gunshots. This film is the epitome of a weepy and to date the only film known to have killed a cinema goer by dehydration.
Watch out for – the high likelihood that you’ll turn into a complete blubbering mess.
Quote – “Lightning, Come on, boy. Wake up. Wake up, Lightning.”
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